French Grave
by WD's KiT-TaY
Summary: “...I can’t stop thinking about you,” she finally replied, her agitated American teenager tone eased. She’d left the answer for too long and he’d missed it as he didn’t respond or even move, he’d fallen into deep sleep once again. Title by Pluto.


**French Grave**

--

She lay awake and staring out beyond the stars above, the thick velvet sky gluing the diamond sparkles into place. It had been a while since she'd lay beneath the stars and just watch them glint and twinkle down at her. Most of the time in the big restless cities, there was nothing but clouds of dark pink smog reflecting the neon lighting's lustre back to the heavens. You were lucky if you could even spot a plane stride by. How she missed the social life, the friends, the gossip, the great kissers and the drinking back home.

Shannon rolled over onto her side, finding her previous positions far too uncomfortable, and put the back of hands under her face to keep from the sands. The itchy feel to the blanket she was given had finally taken her patience and she threw it afar, letting her lean tanned legs vulnerable to the cold breeze. The night wasn't as nearly as humid as the other ones had been but she refused to keep herself warm if it meant wearing outdated, cheap sweatshirts. She was only wearing an off-white, ruffled knee length skirt, decorated with crimson patterned flowers and a rich red singlet.

She intended to say his name but hadn't found the courage to let a sound escape her throat. He looked so peaceful sleeping next to her, his eyes gently flickering and his mind entering a state of REM she desired and feared simultaneously. His ebony curls reacted to the winds and his smooth coffee-coloured skin took a shine of magnetic blue from the moonlight. "Sayid…" she whispered his name barely audibly. She spoke again when he did nothing, "Sayid," a little louder. He shifted, heaved his weight slightly and released a short-lived exhausted grunt.

"Sayid," she said. "I've forgotten how to sleep." Her voice was shaky and hushed and she figured he must've heard her when he turned on his side a little more. She smiled when she thought she saw the flash off his open eyes through the dimness.

"You just shut your eyes," he paused and gave a loud wide yawn before continuing his lazy sentence, "and fall asleep. Nothing to it," he concluded before shutting his eyes again. Shannon began to doubt he was even awake now, his voice small and with disinterest. Usually he would've been more concerned for her wellbeing since she hadn't slept for a few days now.

"It's not that easy," she carried on talking, her tone now tinting sadness. The least he could do was listening. "I can't stop thinking."

"About what?" Sayid said, drowsy.

_Where to start, _she thought as a million minor superficial things, shallow pointless addictions popped into her head. Things like caffeine, showers, television, music, shoes, creams and lotions… Things she only took for granted and went through without a care, things she'd never realise were there unless they were torn from her and it was too late to appreciate them. When it all came down to what's important, what would be life and death and just common humane, she would be thinking about this island they were stranded on, the plane crash and the furious ripping of metal, those screams and dead bodies… the fact that she'd never hear from her brother again.

"… I can't stop thinking about you," she finally replied, her agitated American teenager tone dropped. She'd left the answer for too long and he'd missed it as he didn't respond or even move, he'd fallen into deep sleep once again. Shannon was about to wake him up again just so she wouldn't feel alone and had someone to entertain her but she couldn't bring herself to. He looked so pretty when he slept.

Careful not to make a sound, Shannon slowly advanced up and left the dying flickering flames she and Sayid shared together. She wasn't feeling any warmer after lying sleepless for hours and hours to come. She followed out to the sea, the sand catching in between her toes and watched the little currents creep in and away from her dainty feet. The gentle ripples of the shore made her tear up and she looked away, ashamed of all the crying. It couldn't get to her, not now when no one could pull her back anyway.

She brushed the loose strands of her hair behind her ear and let the water hit the tips of her feet like a stab of ice. She winced and fled back some distance before returning, taking all the time in the world since it didn't matter anymore. The water welcomed her into its freezing depths and she crawled into the ocean on her hands and knees. She felt a hunger and a curiosity that couldn't be cured without a little subliminal sacrifice and she took one last breath as she dipped her face into the salty seas, the taste of them sour.

Breathing out all she had, she asked herself if anyone would notice, if anyone would even do a double take when she wouldn't turn up. Her other half long gone, it would only be right if the other go too. She just couldn't function without him anymore and it hurt so much she was completely numb. She was incomplete and couldn't work when she was unfinished and that's exactly how she felt inside. It didn't make sense but she didn't expect it to as she let go and offered her mind and heart to obscurity and reconciliation.

But she was cut short when someone reached her and pulled her back to life. Only just. Shannon arose and took a sharp gasp for air, again and again and coughed out the water that escaped into her lungs. Hanging her head over the water and breathing through her nose, calming herself, she was then brought back up to her weak feet by her waist. Her eyes automatically shut themselves and she prepared herself to pass out but she knew she couldn't. Whoever was handling her knew she was fragile and like a beat rag doll. Their touch was relieving, saved again, just like Boone always had the honour of though she regrettably always made it like an infuriating chore to him.

"What are you doing?" Sayid asked with definite worry. It was almost like he was whining and his expression was distraught. Shannon opened her eyes and wasn't surprised to come face to face with him, his hot breath on her mouth. His dark eyes searched hers intently but they found nothing, she collapsed and whispered 'oh' like she had no idea herself and Sayid struggled with keeping her up on her long legs.

"I _just_ tripped," she finally said with her usual self-centred arrogance. Sayid forced her to look at him and he was now cold somehow, his compassion deserting him just when it was what she was feeding off. To know that someone gave a care about her. She gulped nervously but didn't look away, knowing he could read her just like that from they way she moves, they way she speaks, the way she presents herself subconsciously.

"I saw you," he said in a quiet but convicting voice. Shannon tried to throw him a dirty look but it could have easily been mistaken for refutation. And she wasn't denying anything in this case, not that it would work or he'd believe her anyway. "There was nothing for you to trip on." He was trying to be a touch more sympathetic and that's when Shannon couldn't stand him any more. Although, she did have very slim extended legs and has been known to trip over them in the past, she bit her tongue and kept quiet. He moved to put his palm to her face and she tried to flee.

"I know you're heart broken, Shannon. But this isn't the only way to help the situation, you mustn't even think about taking the easy route out of this pain. You're stronger than that." Shannon slowly pulled her face into a cringe but Sayid ignored her, racing his fingers through her dripping wet hair. Her face stung and stayed frozen still. She couldn't even blink. "I promise you… It will get better than this." He gave her a small smile but she didn't return it. Her face heated up when she blushed and her eyes grew wild.

"_It will get better than this?"_ she cried and pushed him away. "Yeah, you know, Sayid, _anything _would make it better than this because there's no way it can possibly get any worse." She was sneering at him and he seemed confused to her sudden outburst. It was just another thing he couldn't explain or even understand about her.

"Shannon, I didn't mean-"

"I know what you mean, and I don't care what you or anyone else has to say anymore," she noticed her voice started to waver but she continued, "You talk to me and try to get me to break down and cry about Boone's death, tell me he was a nice guy and died bravely but I've got news for you, your words don't heal, _they won't bring him back!_" she finished up shouting and dug her face into her hands, trying so hard not to cry. Sayid tried to walk towards her but she backed away and he anxiously looked around to see if anyone had been woken from her frustration. She looked up again, managing to hold the tears in but not for much longer if he didn't leave. "…Whenever you look at me, it's like you're just _waiting _for me to get over him," she accused.

"I'm not waiting for anything, Shannon," he responded quickly, careful to keep on her good side. She opened her mouth to say whatever insulting comment she could conjure up on the spot but then she shut it and twisted her face into a cold smile.

"Well, good." _Nice come back, _she told herself sarcastically. "Because you'd be waiting a _long_ _time_." She turned away from him and started to wander away into darkness, taking her hair and squeezing the water from it. But Sayid wouldn't leave her alone.

"Shannon," he called after her.

"I don't want to talk!"

"We don't have to, just… come back to the camp site," he pleaded.

"No," she objected, refusing to let him manipulate her and take control. She didn't want anyone making her feel that way anymore, treat her like a little spoilt child who doesn't know what's good for her. "I'm going for a walk."

"You can't at this hour."

"I'm going to see Boone," she told him with certainty, like no one could say or do anything to make her change her mind.

"It's cold and it's unsafe for you, now come on, you're being unrational… you can see him in the morning." She stopped her slow pace and stood fuming for a few seconds before she looked over her shoulder and saw him standing there, so unaware and oblivious to her feelings. _How dare he, _she mentally screamed and she walked up into his face, not holding back on her emotions any longer.

"Why?" she asked incredulously. "_Because he's not going anywhere?_" Sayid tried to interrupt and shake his head calmly but instead she screamed, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING THROUGH!" He flinched when she shrieked at him and he didn't tempt her by putting a finger to his mouth or patronisingly taking her into his arms. He stared at her with natural concern he just would never be able to wipe off his face, despite how much it angered her so. No one could help the contradictory way they feel.

"Shannon," he remained calm and quiet. "I know much more about pain than you think." The look in his eyes told her he was telling nothing but pure truth. There was a long pause where they just stared at each other, no movement but the ripples on the clothing, the wind in their hair and the crackle of the fires. The silence was over too soon and Shannon broke away, fearing she'd fall in love if she'd kept her hazel eyes on his.

"I'm going," she stated in spite, turning to leave again without any interruptions. "I'll see you tomorrow," she struggled to hide her pain now as she felt the first few cascade of tears fall down her face. She wouldn't let him see her cry.

"_Shannon-_" he cried in exhausted anguish.

"Just leave me alone, I don't want to see you." It hurt her to say that but she had to if she wanted personal space and time to repair her broken heart. She was angry because now she had to prove she was stronger than she looks, she had to surprise him that she could pull through this depressive stage. But the idea just kept getting more idiotic by the second. She was nothing without Boone, it should've been her, it should've been Locke, it should've been Sayid, or someone else. Not Boone. As she was walking away and begging him to stop following her, the padded crunch of footsteps finally ceased. She got her wish and she continued on into the unknown.

"… Fine," he gave up. He was sick of running after her all the time, it didn't seem like it was worth the effort. "I'm sorry-"

"SHOVE IT!" she screamed on instinct, referring to the newest one of his million apologies towards her brother's misfortunate death. It wasn't fooling anyone and it certainly wasn't helping her in any way. As far as she was concerned, it was Sayid who was at the blame for Boone's demise. She held her head up high and wiped away the waterfall of tear drops as she ventured down the beach toward the newly aquatinted gravesite. Maybe in the not too distant future, when Sayid is finally sick of the sight of her and couldn't care less what happens, she'd join him too. As mind-shattering as that seemed.

--

The gravesite still kept its eerie atmosphere as she approached. There definitely was a clear difference between standing a few metres away from him and kneeling just before him, even if no one else could feel it, she somehow felt much colder, like his presence had always been to her since he was alive. Shannon wondered if he still felt that way beyond the grave, she hoped like hell that he could just see her now and see how pathetically helpless she was without him: carefully considering suicide and pushing everyone around her further away from her heart. She didn't believe Sayid when he told her how fast it paced, she would only take Boone's word when he used to tell her how her heart was carved out of stone. It didn't have a beat. It beat only for him. She only figured it out till she no longer endured its quiet velocity.

BOONE CARLYLE, it read.

It wasn't enough; she read it again and again, tracing each individual letter, perfectly carved into the thick piece of wood. Her pallid face was vacant, empty yet her eyes were coated with a blackness of rage and her forehead formed fine lines from the frown she involuntarily cringed her face up into, she didn't even realised her muscles were so tense until she relaxed their dull pain. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself in a desperate attempt to retain the little warmth within her blood flow that she had left. Her once so beautiful and evenly tanned, moisturised skin now peeling from excessive sun pollution, crawling with goosebumps and all hairs on end.

She repeated his name softly through the winds, unaware she was beginning to choke up again. That name, _his _name etched into her brain and his handsome face stained behind her eyelids, every time she shut her eyes, she could still picture him with her. She didn't even have a photograph of him though she was vain enough to send countless ones of her, doing all the little things he thought so typical of her, trying to prove him wrong. She would've climbed a mountain, achieved all her goals and make all her dreams come true for him. Not just because he believed she could never do it either.

But deep down, she knew that it was only her counteract motivation. Earning his attention, craving for his praise and… _approval. _Just one little occasion where he could flash a smile, give her a gentle kiss and let her know how proud he was to call her his sister. That's when she'd smile, look back into his azure eyes with delight and tell him, 'you too, Captain America'.

"Hey," a voice whispered, like an answer waiting to be verified or rejected. Shannon lifted her head up to stare once again at Boone's grave and caught the dark shadow leering along the cross. She didn't have to look over her shoulder to figure out who would dare draw near to her when he she stepped onto this so-called 'hallowed ground' to mourn.

"Hey," she returned in a rusty tone of voice and she immediately regretted speaking the second her reply escaped her dry throat. It must've sounded like an invitation to him or something close as he took a seat in the sand beside her, misreading her once again. So she turned, facing away from the gentle winds so they blew her sandy blonde hair around her face.

Sayid hesitated but put a freezing hand on her shoulder that made her shiver. "Don't push me away, Shannon; I am here if you need me." She exhaled fiercely and pouted as if she'd just sucked on a lemon.

"Well…" she stopped the contemptuous tones before it would just drive her to the same repetitive situation as before. She tried to think how Sayid must be feeling to see her so distraught, coming night after night, sleepless and guilt-ridden from the last words she left him to dwell on as he died slowly and painfully. She took her anger down a notch so it didn't seem quite so repulsive towards him. "Thank you but I don't need anyone right now…"

She looked towards her brother's grave again, her eyes heavy with sadness. "But him."

Sayid's hand moved down her smooth back, rubbing against her bony structure. She could tell he was glad she wasn't shutting him out completely, he understood different people had various forms of how they got through grief and he thought he just about had hers sort out. Shannon took in a deep breath.

"He was always there for me… and I never even realised. I was such a _bitch _to him and everything he ever did for me, I never was never grateful for. I just want to take everything bad I ever said to him back… I want him to know there's more to me than pedicures and designer clothing and vanity…" She couldn't speak, she'd swallowed all her words by accident and Sayid was still left hanging on to them. She physically relinquished when she couldn't find her voice and was unwilling to say anymore.

"You wish he could've died knowing you loved him?" it was meant to sound like a question but Sayid thought he knew her too well but Shannon passed it over when it sounded like _he _was telling her how she feels. When really he had no clue.

"… I wish he didn't have to die at all," she said in a small voice.

"He knew you cared for him."

Shannon snapped and finally looked his way. His face still held an expression of sorrow and regret while hers scowled everything that happened to cross her dangerously sinister pupils. She raised her voice, "Look, stop trying to make me feel better, if you don't mean what you say then-"

"I didn't know Boone well enough than I should have," he cut her off and Shannon listened for once, her eyes loosening the hate. "But I knew that much at least." Shannon stared and left the silence to pass the time but it didn't last long before more tears licked down her cheek and her face screwed up into an ugly repression. Sayid took his other hand and entwined her hair strands around his fingers, never letting her go. He clearly sent a message of reassurance and comfort that she had long denied herself of.

"Come here," he whispered softly and let her come to him, let her find her way and crawl back into his warm, loving arms where she belonged. She pressed herself face-first into his shirt where she didn't hold back and let herself cry and bawl, just let everything that ever hurt her feelings out despite how loud and disgusting she sounded. Sayid held her closer, sharing her grief. Finally trading in his sickly-sweet sympathy for neutral empathy she recognised only in the one of every million special someone. For now he just let her continue to weep until the crying had settled down somewhat.

"I know I will never replace your brother… but I will be the closest you can get," he said. Shannon recoiled, knowing this was true and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. She stared down at the wet patch of tears on Sayid's shirt and decided to ignore his offer.

"I miss him so much… I don't know if I can go on without him," she admitted through her sobs. Sayid shifted her face back to rest in the warmth of his and he wiped the tears harshly away from her face, as if they would leave a permanent stain he didn't want to look at everyday. She sniffed and blubbered but Sayid spoke over her, letting her know that if she couldn't control it then he would take charge and lead her away from the last resort.

"You will," he simply said, sternly but also shaky at the same time. "Promise me that you will, swear it on Boone's grave that you will not die on this island. You will do it for Boone," he repeated and she shed more tears at the name, the feeling cutting so deep it hurt like nothing ever will. They rested their foreheads together and her bloodshot eyes darted between both of his, barely seeing through the murky water squeezing through them.

"And me," he said with a sad smile. She tried to look away but Sayid held her jaw lightly, not allowing her the opportunity to escape from this fear. "Can you promise me that?" he asked, louder and with a desire of honesty. She couldn't lie to him now, not even to save him from pain, to protect him from the heart-breaking hardships.

"Yeah," she gasped and Sayid's face widened into a smile. He caught her dry, cracked lips into a long hard kiss, pressing themselves together for dear life before drawing back and wrapping their arms around each other. "Don't ever leave me again," she said. Shannon cried again and stared back at Boone's grave, his name and soul forever lying on the trust of her fragile promise. Why she could have promised something so impossible, she hated herself even more for not just running far away from all this to save her own selfish ass.

But she was here now, and this is what Boone would have wanted from her. To prove that she could stand alone and be independent without him, not some lost little girl abandoned on the creepy alleyways of adulthood much too soon. Everything she would push herself to achieve, the reason she would be drawing breath in and out, in and out each day, every thought she would first think about in the morning would be dedicated to her brother. She loved him indescribably through their love/hate relationship and at that very moment, she realised something.

That it was no one's fault. There was no more anguish and no one to blame, not even herself. She closed her eyes lightly and pictured how if Boone would be standing right beside her now that he would embracing her too, in tears, whispering a word she only longer to hear from his lips. _Proud._


End file.
